Everyone knows that Season of the Witch sucked, right? Well I still wanted to see it. Often I watch a movie the critics hated and still get something out of it. In this care, the critics were correct.
So, I was at this gaming session last Friday, playing my human paladin Behman von Bleiruck. So we've been transporting this witch for two game sessions now. Prentice just got this wicked cool little cage, with horses and everything, and he stuck a witch figure in there. We were using his Warhammer topography table too. So anyway, I see him pull out like fifty wolves, and I'm like "Oh Shit!" See, I know that my dexterity and hardened leather armor are going to be enough to protect me, but their coming in from all sides!
Yes, if there was every a movie made that reminded me of a really lame game of Dungeons and Dragons, this was it. If you took Monty Python and the Holy Grail (one of the best movies ever made) and it mated with Solomon Kane (a vastly overlook movie destined to be a cult classic) and they had a baby, but that baby had as much sense of humor as an old leather shoe left out in the rain for two years and then ripped apart by rabid dogs, that baby would be Season of the Witch.
I love to write about thing and analyze what I liked and did not like. I could talk about the three seasons of crap, Hallmark movie looking, battles that sucked montage at the beginning of the movie. Why bother though? Every single thing, expect possibly the performance of guy who got stabbed by that stupid kid, sucked. Well O.K., only Nicky really, really sucked, but is suckiness managed to make everyone else lame for even appearing in the same movie with him. Sure, he was good in that Disney movie where he played Harry Dresden, only they called him Belthazar for some reason, but they limited his screen time set in the far past, so you did not notice his sucky modern mannerisms and accent quite so much.
The movie railing against the evils of witch trials and the crusades and how fear can bring out the worst in us. I thought Old Nicky the Sneer Cage would see the girl was innocent and stand up the corrupt medieval church. Heck, he had already stood up to the evil crusade dude, ordering them to kill children and women. No though.... It decides that witches and possessions really do exist and can effect the world in a very, very physical way. Heck, if I was in that world, maybe killing a few innocents, so that one witch did not kill the whole village, would not have seemed so bad. Basically the "movie" said that witch trials, and the crusades, were evil, but then it said that maybe they had a point after all.
Anyway, seriously, do not waste your time. Go pull out your copy of Holy Grail for all your crappy costuming and set decoration needs. After that, rent Solomon Kane to see how a real demon hunter does it, without totally bitch slapping the moral point of his movie.
(Footnote- Ron Pearlman is still the man. He sucked somewhat too, but he in the City of Lost Children, which rocked, so I will forgive him. And oh ya.... What was with the bridge? Really? Are we still doing those?)
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